I don’t know about other people, but in my case I always feel emotional whenever I fly international especially if I fly solo and the emotion is even stronger when one of my family members drives me to the airport.
When I’m writing this, I am on my way to Seoul. I am sitting at the airport lounge waiting for my flight to depart at 2.50pm. Yes, I fly solo again.
My first experience going solo was last year, the night before Eid/Raya Aidilfitri, the most festive Holy celebration in Malaysia. It also marked the first time I celebrated Eid-il fitr without my family. I still remember that night like it was the back of my hand. It was the last day of Ramadhan and the airport was crowded. I was still ok when I was breaking fast with my brother. My brother had asked me countless of times about my feelings flying alone for the first time to Istanbul to meet our youngest sister. And every time he asked my answer was that I didn't feel anything, neither was I excited nor scared. Nada! As the flight time was getting closer, I did feeling a bit anxious, due to custom and immigration check up. As I departed, I was feeling nervous as I was scared I would miss the connecting flight. I already missed my family even before I departed from KLIA. I was homesick even though my feet were still at my homeland.
The same happened before my flight home. I was very okay when I arrived at the Ataturk Airport. I was very calm when I arrived at the airport despite having to bid farewell to my sister the night before. My emotions were still under control when I passed the immigration. But as I was alone at the waiting area with my pink luggage, as I was watching all those people with their family and friends all the emotions came rushing to me at the same time. I started crying because I already missed my sister. I mean she’s the youngest one, all of us somewhat feel overprotective over her. I shed more tears when I remember I had around TL 100 left in my purse and I was regret I didn’t give all of the Lira to her. I have to admit that I was utterly alone and jealous over other people around me who got to travel with their family and friends. I felt a hollow in my heart like I never felt before. It’s hard to express those emotions with words but trust me, those emotions were not pleasant.
Despite my countless of times flying solo domestically, they were not the same as being in an 6-hour flight with strangers and none of them knows you. Though I never thought I would travel solo again but here I am, sitting in a corner, alone. There is a family of three sitting next to me. A couple and their baby. As I'm watching them laughing and playing with their baby, I get a feeling that I am having a repeat of what I felt last year. Yes, the same hollow is starting to make an appearance again.
Flying in a group doesn’t stop my emotions from jumbling altogether. In a recent year, I made a visit to Yogyakarta with my mother and brother. As usual my father didn’t join the trip since he had a heart attack. He is afraid he couldn’t stand the pressure in the cabin. My father doesn’t like travelling to be honest unless it’s a family vacation. He never told us any place he wishes to visit until we told him we would visit Borobudur. To our suprise, he mentioned that Borobudur is one of the places he wants to visit. Knowing that, I felt sorry because I couldn’t bring my father along. As we hugged our goodbye in front of the entrance of international departure, I vowed to bring my dad to any place he likes in the future.
Back to the present, whatever emotions I feel right now, I know it won’t last and even though it is so heavy to contain all these emotions in my heart, I know I won’t stop becoming a lone wolf in my journey. There is a phrase saying that “this world is my oyster, the road is my home and I know that I’m better off alone”. I guess I’ll stop here this time. I need to get moving to find my pearl. Ciao!
